In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
i was like the pretty and slutty 8th grade girl who goes to a party, gets wasted, and ends up having sex with a senoir
details?
alcohol + bed + penis = sex
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
