She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
