the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.