Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
