Yes. UR adorable in a weird way.
i love accidental penises.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
