Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Randomize
