Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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