genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Randomize
