I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Randomize
