Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
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