On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
