He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
