dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
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