i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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