My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
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