My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I don't deserve a penis
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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