Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
God, you're like boner-b-gone
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Randomize
