don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Randomize
