I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
