Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
