Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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