If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
