I think I won the penis lottery.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
