Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
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