oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Randomize
