Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
