I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Slut skills are useful in every country.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
I can't turn off my feet"
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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