I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
