Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
