she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
All I want is dick and wine.
Randomize
