Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Randomize
