Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
He passed out mid-signature
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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