my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
