Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
