so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
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