if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
