She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
