Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
Randomize
