there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
