My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
