What a fucking waste of an outfit
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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