you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.