I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral