so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.