wakey wakey hands off snakey
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Randomize
