i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
