fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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