It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Randomize
