Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Randomize
