i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
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