Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
