You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
