Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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