i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
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