Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
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This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
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He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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