your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
apparently the secret to your success is patron
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Randomize
