Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
