so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
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