I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
Randomize
