The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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