No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
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