eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
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