If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
