hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
